Apr 30, 2009

It's almost Mother's Day and I'm feeling reflective

The house is a mess, it's always a mess. Heck, I'M a mess. I feel stretched to my limit and I'm tired. No, scratch that, I'm exhausted. But I sit here and watch my little girl, only 17 months old, sing along with her FAVORITE cartoon in the whole entire world, Caillou. She doesn't know all the words, but the ones she does she says loudly and the rest of the time she bobs up and down to the music. It makes my heart smile (if that were possible) and for a second I forget everything else. These children bring so much joy to my life.

(And even as I type the period at the end of that sentence Maddie starts whining for no reason at all....Way to pop my sappy, reflective bubble!)

You'll often hear, or read, about how my kids drive me certifiably crazy. And boy is it true! I often wonder how i will survive 18+ years of this insanity. I do not hide my feelings well. I am a brutally honest person and I don't know how to be anything but that. So many emotions run through me on a daily basis that's it's hard for me to sort through them all. In a day I can go from grateful, happy, peaceful and proud to irritated, depleted and sometimes almost downright angry in no time flat. Being a mom is a harder job than anyone would have or could have prepared for me to know. But through that roller coaster ride that is my emotions there is always one feeling that I can grasp onto at any time, and that's Love. Who knew you could love someone so much. That even in the midst of complete and utter frustration and anger you could still find that joy. It's nothing short of amazing to me. Even if I don't always portray that side of it.

Every year that I am a mother I learn, and every year that I am a mother I grow a little bit more respect. I have a mother. She's pretty awesome. And I realize with every growing year something that makes me so sad, I took her for granted. But to my defense, I didn't know. As a child having never experienced a love so real and so raw, how could you? I know she didn't expect me too and I surely don't expect my children to either. But I honestly never realized the depth to which she loved me and sacrificed her all until that very moment when they laid my sweet baby in my arms. Until I stayed up all night long with a crying infant worn and tired, and had to make it through the day in zombie mode. Until I had to take that child to the emergency room with a fever so high she could barely keep her eyes open. Until I felt those little arms wrap tightly around me and hear the words "i love you mommy". The words I waited so long to hear. Until i heard the purest, happiest giggles and saw them smile those big cheesy grins that will forever be burned into my heart. I could go on and on. Every day is filled with those moments. Thousands of them. And I pray to God for a lifetime full of billions more.

Every single day is a reminder and realization of that love that I feel for my children. A love that I couldn't live without. That I am so grateful for. But it's also a reminder of the love that I was given. A love that started 28 years ago. A love that in a way, because of her, I have been gifted. Wow. And I realize that just because your children grow up you don't lose that love. It doesn't lessen, it only grows stronger and deeper. You don't ever stop being "Mommy". And you can never stop loving or even fully sacrificing your life and your heart for your children. It's just not possible. And those four little words that you wait so long to hear. Those oh so powerful words that I now realize I don't say enough, she still needs to hear.

I love you Mom!

And thank you. Thank you for loving me even when I know you didn't always want to because I know at times I made it really hard. Thank you for sacrificing all that you did for me and not thinking twice to do it. Thank you for giving me your life so that I could have a lifetime full of joy and happiness and memories that mean more to me than you will ever know. It's because of you that I am here and it's because of you that I am who I am. It's because of you I know love, that I feel love and that I can give love. You stood by my side and you're still standing by my side to this day. For that I am and always will be eternally greatful. I love you with a love that goes deeper than any love in the world. No words or gift could ever express to you that love, it's just not possible. Twenty eight years ago they laid me in your arms, but I felt your love long before that. For we are connected by our hearts and no amount of distance can or will ever change that. I have loved you all these years and I will continue to love you to the end of time. I know it's still a week early, and I don't even know when you will read this, but...

Happy Mother's Day Mom!!